sour sixteen

sometimes i really hate being with my church youth group
i hear all their acheievements in school and be like -.- okay im totally wasting my time here in secondary school.
i slacked like crazy in sec1 and never seemed to bounce back.
then i started eating alot and became fat
honestly i think all my best memories are in primary school
even the one and only love of my life is in primary school
he's now in the elite school and im in an average school
he has tons of girls flirting with him twenty four seven and is the captain of the rugby team.
fuck my life

my few friends are close with each other and even my best friend doesnt tell me her secrets when i told her all  of mine
i am honesly quite pissed about this.

she rather help someone else keep a secret

i know when i say "ok i'll keep the secret" my best friend doesnt count.All my friends have hurt me in one way or another and i am sick and tried of being pushed around like some piece of rubbish. I a really disappointed with the way my life has turned out in sec4. No one understand me fully. Everyone just thinks they do but honestly they dont.if i could reverse time i'll go all the way back to when i was six so i can be a better friend to them and be more persistent in ice skating.my life is unaccomplished because i didnt press hard enough for the things i love to do. things might have turned out different.im am really regretful of the wrong things i have dont in my life. i hate my friends.i thought they were suppose to be there for me. the minute love takes over.. i become the small speck in their lives.


yes i am talking about saturday.



i have been keeping this for exactly 24 hours and have yet to tell anyone about this. i think if i hold it in any longer i'll burst into flames and die.i love m. and i want to go to the same junior collage as him.but im too stupid. He is going to the best one in the country. i can then predict again that i will be going to some mediocre collage.i know im only 16. but i really think tat im in love with him. He runs through my head every second of my life and i blush the minute i hear his name. it's not infactuation cause i've loved him since i was 9. and now im sixteen and it's such a failure that i haven gotten over him yet.it' been 7 years. an infactuation is not suppose to last so long. i feel like an idiot when i reach tampines and hope that i can see him just once. unfortuately i never do.and he will never fall in love with a failure like me.so there i was all moody about my pathatic life when i though my friend would understand best. unknown to me she initiated a conversation with her crush of 2 years and it was successful. mine wasnt. i talked to him and he dissed me online. he just said that he was busy and logged off. while my friend J successful catted with him the whole night.and the following morning while we were in choir. ofcourse no body cared how i felt when she was busy blabbering about the night's experience.and of course no one is going to read this pathatic post because no one bloody cares.i just want to be with him... is that too much to ask for? what is God trying to do to me? tell me that love and friendship isnt meant for me?

okay day at school
i decided to write everything here before i start work cause i dont want to be affected by what happens at school
okay the main idea is
weishan denies she said anything.
hard to believe but yeah
things are still awkward between me and alden because what i said about him looking like a frog donkey years ago was raked up
what the fuck
weishan had a fucking big part to play in it but whatever lah
it's no point trying to reason with her
cause she's like a fucking kid
what ever that has been said will automatically come out of her mouth

i dont even know if she would bitch about me to the choir clique
fuck that


i'll see tomorrow
went out with jace and benjamin and sheena today
still kinda fucking awkward between benjamin and i .
i dont know what the hell is going to happen
i dont know what the hell he thinks

i actually care cause he's a nice guy and i dont want one mistake that i made make him have negative opinions of me
it wont be fair
i cant expect things to go back to the way it was like last time

a wound never heals
aiyah fuck that la
anyway no one i know is ever going to see this anyway


so who gives a fuck what i say here right?
i decided to write everything i feel here
and only tell sheena these stuff cause she's the most trust worthy person i know.
i dont think i can trust whatever that any one else says
last year in secondary school
so no one will care what happens once i go jc right

the only thing now is how to get into a JC
i know that whatever that im facing now will most probably be forgotten by the time i reach there so i have to hope that nothing else happens
i bitch on my blog but i wont go arnd bitching about other in front of other cause it's like-.-
everyone betrays everyone nowadays
the world sucks

but we still have to live with it